I’ve reached a place in my place in my life that I realize I am who I am.
Is this so awful?
I’ve spent a lifetime striving for the pinnacle – perfection. A place no human being can reach.
When is it ever going to be enough?
When am I ever going to be enough?
I no longer have the energy or the time to constantly self-analyze – be aware of everything I say and do. Fifteen years ago I did. I devoured every self-help book I could get my hands on. It was a life-changing step I needed to take. I was leading a very destructive life and couldn’t see how my behavior was tied to unresolved childhood sexual abuse. This door of discovery thrusted me into a world I didn’t recognize. My life metamorphosed right before my eyes; I felt I was watching someone else’s life. This couldn’t possibly be mine – my childhood had been perfect.
Once I opened this door, there was no going back. I was catapulted into one of the most painful and changing times of my life (anyone who tries to tell you therapy is fun is either lying or not digging deep enough)
I couldn’t believe that I didn’t see the correlation between my childhood and the self-hatred, anger, and pain. While I had to accept responsibility for my own behaviors, I also understood I had been “set up” and in so many ways couldn’t be held accountable. I had already paid my debt and didn’t need to keep beating myself up. Therapy and self-help books changed my life.
Fast forward 15 years….I’ve come so far but underneath the dynamics haven’t changed. I’m still operating from a place of deficiency; from a place where I’m not enough. When I pick up a self-help book, whether it is on how to build my intelligence or steps to a happier me, it triggers that ever-so-familiar voice that bullet points all my self deficiencies. It isn’t healthy for me to go to that place.
Yes, I’m a bit anal when it comes to cleanliness in my house. Is this the end of the world? For so long I tried to change this – therapists words echoing in my head that this was a my need to be in control because so much of my childhood wasn’t.
Does it even matter at this point? So shoot me…I feel calmer when my environment is free of clutter..when I can walk across the living room floor without tripping over Lego’s or a Bratz doll.
Originally I had mistaken healing to mean I would be free of all behaviors that were a result of my childhood. How ridiculous is this?! There is no way to separate my entire childhood from who I am today. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly, indifferent… this is who I am! Instead of constantly beating myself up for who I’m not, it may be less exhausting to accept myself and learn how to live within those parameters.
Is this so awful?